smilestopscars | A House, Currant, Maine, Saturday

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A House, Currant, Maine, Saturday

Earlier in the week, Kathy had requested Ezra to tell her when he was free to be visited at home in Currant. And today, well, he was free for a visit: the house was empty, Lock was off in Boston with Bianca, and Ezra had nothing in the way of obligations happening. So he'd told her that.

And now he was just waiting around, lounging on the couch, reading a book. Easy Saturday, just like he liked it.

[ooc: NFB. Primarily for the one mentioned, but open also for texts/calls/whathaveyou!]

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"I would still tell you," Kathy said softly. "Not just because you deserve an honest explanation of why I went so wrong. Not even because I know saying all that was probably really hard for you and I don't want you to see like you're the only one willing to be honest and vulnerable here. But because I want you to know what's going on in my head. To understand me better. I don't necessarily even mean right now? Just..."

She let her hands drop, helpless. God she was bad at this.

"My head can be a weird, fucked-up, ugly place. I don't allow a lot of people in there because of it. You, I would, as much as you wanted. If you wanted."

"Cause I can't turn it off, either. "

Slowly, Ezra opened his eyes.

Looked over at her.

Sighed.

But his expression stayed closed-off. "I know what your head is like." He thought he knew a fair bit, anyway. "You worry, about a lot. Probably about not being enough, probably about being overwhelming, probably about dozens of other contradictory things." He'd known her for about four years. Even with how difficult a several of them had been, it was enough time to pick a lot of things up from just the ways she showed her insecurities. "I just never particularly wanted you to worry about me."

There was exactly one person Kathy hadn't worried about. But bringing up Sarah right now would be a cheap shot at best, even though it was true.

"I don't know how to not worry," she said instead, leaning back to rest her head on the arm of the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "I have too much to lose. And, yeah, I worry about worrying, too; afraid I'll drive you away with that."

The way she interpreted it wasn't entirely the way he'd meant it (he'd been thinking about her worrying that he'd drop her if she didn't do something he wanted), but it didn't really matter. He was exhausted enough as it was without getting caught in the details.

"Hasn't so far," he said, instead.

"And I'm never quite sure why," Kathy admitted, sitting up again. Her hair fell over her shoulders and down across the arm she'd been leaning over. "But it's not because I think you, Ezra are fickle."

"Then why?"

He was wrung out. Seemed easier to prompt her while he tried to get his wits back together.

"Because at least part of me thinks you should," Kathy said. "I am so much trouble and bother for so very little in return. Not just sex, either..." She looked down at her hands and shook her head - and then back up at him, right in his eyes. There was a faint, sad smile on her face. "Because I don't like me very much and I am constantly confused and grateful that you all seem to, but live in dread for when you all come to your senses and realize that...I'm just me. Like you said, too much and not enough all at the same time."

"Trust your friends, Kathy." It was a bit blunt, because he was feeling a lot raw. But that didn't mean the thought behind it wasn't in her favor. "None of us have the time or the inclination to stick with someone who isn't just intrinsically worth it."

And he knew that saying that wouldn't make it magically any easier for her, but that wasn't a good enough reason not to say it, either.

Kathy could handle blunt. Especially when she'd brought it on herself. "I know," she said. "Intellectually anyway." She shrugged. "Either way, it's not a good enough excuse to be an asshole. And I was. And I'm sorry."

"I know."

He didn't really know what else to say. But at least that sounded the tiniest bit softer.

Kathy would take it. She leaned over, tried to run her fingers across the back of his hand. Just to kind of...be there. If he'd let her.

He let her.

Didn't say anything, but he was letting her touch him. And he was watching her.

After a moment, he turned his hand, offering her his palm instead.

Kathy took it, lacing her fingers through his. She bit back another apology, instead bringing his hand up to her cheek and resting it against her skin.

She didn't kiss it, just because he was still upset and might not want it. But she was tempted.

There was no telling, even for Ezra. He was just so, so tired.

So he just kept watching.

Kathy wasn't sure what was okay to do. She tried to tug him in to her side, her hand inching up into his hair. If he'd let her, anyway.

"I wasn't trying to force you into something or to make you feel guilty. I honestly thought..." She shook her head. "Doesn't matter what I thought. I was an ass to you and I hate that."

Ezra shifted closer to her. But, instead of leaning against her side, he flopped over to lay across his lap, his head cushioned on one arm which in turn was on her thigh.

"Please stop explaining." He sounded weary.

"Okay," Kathy said. "Quiet? Or a sudden topic change?"

"You can try the latter."

He made no promises.

She expected none.

"I'm taking classes at NYU now," she said quietly, stroking his hair. "I'm a visiting student, not a permanent one. Haven't figured out a major or a degree yet, either. My therapist says I'm not allowed to. She says I have to go for at least a year, maybe a year and a half before I decide. And I have to try a bunch of different classes, including at least one or two that I'd normally never look at twice."

Ezra frowned faintly at the ceiling. He still sounded a little far away, but something had caught his interest all the same. "That sounds like a lot of control. Is that what therapists normally do?"

He wouldn't know. They had some excellent Coterie insurance these days, but mental health wasn't really covered in the package.

"I mean, I don't have to listen," Kathy said. "I mean, okay, she said it's a good idea, not that I can't. But..." She frowned, running her hand through her hair. "She wants me to spend time experimenting with things. Figuring out what I liked, not just choosing stuff because it's what I think I'm 'supposed' to be doing."

Her voice faltered for a moment. "She says I need to live a little, because it's not something I've done enough of yet."

"Now that sounds like something I can agree with," Ezra replied, with a faint gentleness to his tone. Not that he thought all the rest was bullshit either, though. "You've earned some living."

"And she knows that I do better with...I don't wanna call 'em orders, but...assignments, maybe?" Kathy said. "Left to my own devices I flail and worry. So now I have an assignment about school and another one about jobs and I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if I'm just flitting about." She tucked her hair back behind her ear and brought her hand down to scritch at Ezra's head again. "But she wants me to take time and look for something I love, rather than just stopping at the first thing I don't hate."

Ezra didn't go out of his way to react to teh scritching. But he wasn't turning away from the touch, either.

"She sounds smart."

And like someone Kathy really genuinely needed.

She entirely was. She acknowledged a lot of Kathy's problems that she'd gotten from LA, from being an ex - but really wanted to work on the problems that had started a lot earlier than that.

"Yeah," Kathy agreed. "And living through everything with Mundus means she believes me when I talk about a different world where I turned into a zombie and ate people for a year."

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