smilestopscars | A House, Currant, Maine, Saturday

Force it? She was leery of even having said this much, just in case it was the wrong thing. But--he had a point and she nodded to acknowledge it.

"Sometimes I wonder if the three of us should hang out together. If it might be easier - or if maybe that would be putting myself in the middle of something that doesn't concern me."

Just...they both seemed to talk past each other sometimes, someone saying one thing and the other taking it a different way. She wondered if having a third person there would smooth little things over - or maybe make it worse.

Ezra genuinely didn't know.

"Maybe," he said, shrugging. His expression, while soft enough, had gone a little closed-off again. Mostly because he really didn't know, and when he didn't know his own feelings, it was usually best to keep anything from getting too close to the surface. "Might be jarring, though. Hard to say."

Kathy nodded. "I want to help, but I'm also well-aware I might hinder more than anything else," she admitted, brushing her hair back behind her ear. "I'm...kind of a lot."

But maybe the power of 'Oh, Kathy' might unite them?

"It's not that." Even though she could be kind of a lot, sometimes. But that didn't really have much of an effect here. He didn't think so, anyway. "I just don't know what his feelings are about you and me, these days. Not sure I would know how to act."

That was one part of it.

"What are your feelings on you and me these says?" Kathy asked, because apparently her time of asking hard, emotional questions wasn't over yet.

It wasn't that hard, though.

"We're good," he said. "Better than we used to. maybe not as solid as we were --" Before everything. "-- but maybe that kind of solid wasn't all that solid in the first place."

Because he'd managed to tear it down without really even trying, and practically at a moment's notice.

He looked at the ceiling again, head tilted back. "And if you want me to be honest, darling, I'm not going to lie and say I'm completely fine with not doing some things with you, or sometimes feeling like I should swallow some things I want to say to you about them." Because he did feel a need to tip-toe around his very real desire for her, sometimes. "But that doesn't mean I don't get it."

"That all makes perfect sense," Kathy said, "and pretty much aligns to where I am." She frowned, thinking about it. "I know what you mean about swallowing things back. I want you. That's just...a fact. Practically a constant of the universe. I've been furious at you and still wanted to bang you."

God, angry sex with Ez would probably be electric.

"But I'm not always sure if I can say so. Or when I can say so. Is it unfair to you, like a tease? Is it unfair to them? I know I'm supposed to be the one setting the boundaries, but I'm not always sure where they are, either."

"And I can't be the one to set them," Ezra replied as he straightened up again, or at least enough to look at her. "Because I have none."

He'd had some, after she'd come back and they'd started trying again. But by now they had all dissolved into every bit of warmth of her skin against his that he'd felt since then.

Kathy nodded, thumb absently stroking over the pulse in his throat. She was quiet again, rolling things over in her mind; following a handful of 'if, then' scenarios to their logical conclusions.

"Okay," she said, looking into his eyes again. "Hit me. Gimme some of those things you've been holding back. The most outrageous one you can think of while being put on the spot."

Ezra paused.

Narrowed his eyes a little bit.

"Why?"

"Because I want to see how that makes me feel, beyond the obvious," Kathy said. "Once I know that, I can make a better decision about that boundary."

She frowned, confused. "Why else would I?"

"I don't know," Ezra replied, eyebrows creeping from a frown into more of a 'raised eyebrow' situation. "Anything I would say now isn't actually anything more scandalous than things I have actually said over the past couple of years. It's more that whenever I do, I feel like maybe I shouldn't."

A beat.

"On top of the ones where I do stop myself."

Edited 2019-03-15 20:19 (UTC)

Kathy nodded. "So, sometimes that's worse," she said slowly. "The feeling of being...constrained. Like you've constantly gotta be on your best behavior. So that's why I'm asking. It's one thing if you say something and I'm uncomfortable. It's another thing entirely if I'm just...worried about what other people might think."

Ezra watched her for a second. Then he shook his head. "I still don't follow, darling."

Not for lack of trying. But he really wasn't seeing her logic.

"Okay..." Kathy said, frowning. "Let me turn it around. Why don't you say everything you want to me? What's holding you back?"

"Fear of pushing."

See, that was another easily pin-pointable thing. He never wanted to push anyone, into anything.

"And more selfish reasons. Like not wanting to go too far into that state of mind --" Because despite appearances, it wasn't his permanent state of being. "-- when it's not going to lead where I would like it to."

Kathy nodded. "I was suggesting that to see if I feel pushed," she said. "Or if I feel something else. I don't want to feel pushed by you. And I don't, currently," she added quickly. "I never have."

Ezra had always gone out of his way to make her understand that he was okay with doing whatever it was that she was comfortable with, even if that was making out on her bed with her pants on.

"I can't stop you from censoring yourself if you are worried about starting something we're not in a position to finish," she continued. "But I can figure out how I feel when you talk to me. And then we'll both know where that boundary is, if there is one. But right now, just...a general avoiding on the off-chance I will feel pushed? Just makes everything harder."

"There's no happy middle, my hotteok," Ezra told her with a brief and precise shake of his head. His hand came up to her face, his fingertips brushing against her cheek. "I don't think so, nyway. My selfish reasons are weightier than my avoidance of pushng."

"Fair enough," Kathy said, nodding. "It was a thought, at least."

"I'm sorry."

He was.

"But it's the issue." He ran his fingers through her hair. "I used to think a clearly defined boundary would be the answer, but it's been turning out that it's not really that easy to define. Because it's not just about not making you uncomfortable."

"You don't need to be sorry," she promised. "Go on?"

"I don't know how much more I have to say that I didn't already."

It didn't help that it wasn't very clear-cut, either.

He played with her hair, idle and gentle. "I don't like making myself uncomfortable, either," he said, after a moment. "And repeatedly nudging a wall isn't exactly comfortable. Eventually, it starts feeling like not making contact with it would be wiser."

"That's why I was hoping that this would be useful," Kathy said, pursing her lips a bit. "To move the wall back a bit. Give a little more space."

"Darling, where exactly the wall is doesn't really matter," he told her. "It's still a wall."

"But I can't take it down all at once and by myself," Kathy said, evenly, sliding back onto the couch. Her legs were still over his lap, but the rest of her was over to the side. "What I can offer is progress, a little bit at a time."

Fuck, that was how she'd been putting herself back together, a little bit every day. And expecting all or nothing is how it had all slipped from her fingers.

"But sometimes it's about being able to take a couple more steps before you hit that wall."

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